We men – the intelligent ones in particular – can be calculating, analytical, and cold. We try to get inside a woman’s mind, thinking multiple steps ahead of her, as if we can predict what she’ll say next and how we should behave in turn. Treating women like part of a game we’re playing, we often attempt to behave how we think they’d like us to.
The trouble with this behavior is:
- Too much of this often comes across as inauthentic to attractive women, who are approached by men this way so often; it feels manipulative and becomes tiresome to them. Women want to believe that they are learning about the “real you” – the trouble is that you sometimes believe (maybe correctly) that she will not be impressed by who you really are, so you start acting like someone else (and she knows it, but you don’t think she does). You think you’re being smart, but you don’t realize that your approach is the same as most typical men.
- By spending so much energy calculating your behavior and responses, you are unable to experience the moment at its fullest and miss out on having a more spontaneous, fun interaction that women want.
- It’s difficult to act consistent with that artificial behavior time after time, so you’re setting her up for a disappointment in the near-future. You’re also setting yourself up for a lot of work to maintain appearances. Women are less likely to “feel a connection” to you if you’re analyzing the situation while you’re with them.
As an intelligent guy, what you need most is to learn spontaneity around females. You need to be more playful, fun and energetic to separate yourself from the typical “smart guy” who lacks these qualities. Typical is not good enough, since attractive females have the option to date just about any typical guy they want.
Spontaneity VS Thought
The solution is to study what women want and develop yourself over time into the type of man that naturally attracts your ideal woman. Sure, you’re not going to be completely carefree around women, because you actually do care to some extent what they think of you. Once you recognize this, you can then become conscious of your choice to throttle the amount of calculating and analyzing when you’re around women (being in your head). Spend too much energy on thinking about what she wants, and you will appear detached, cold and calculating; spend too little, and you might not learn and improve as fast.
Since you’re a thinking man, use this to your advantage and spend some time after your interactions with women, reflecting about what you did and how that could be improved. That is the time to analyze that gets most neglected – not during your interaction, when you need to be present and spontaneous so that she feels a connection with you. Science has recently shown us how important visualization techniques are to the peak athletic performance of athletes, so why not practice the same techniques in the game of attraction? Visualize the ideal you performing optimally the next time around in the same situation, and you will be developing your behavior without the expense of coming across as calculating when you’re with her. The time to think is not when you’re with her – that’s the time to be more spontaneous and in the moment, going with the flow, and improvising. Visualize before and after your interactions. When you perform sub-optimally, think how you could have performed better; and when you did great, replay the events in your mind, improving on them mentally in small ways, playing the scenario in your mind a bit differently and visualizing how it could have gone.
On Being Yourself
We men are generally aware of a desire to be ourselves. It is energizing to be able to be in the moment, and to be appreciated for doing what we do naturally, without effort. Yet, we often have a conflicting sense that women don’t want us for ourselves. The key realization is when and how to separate moments of critical thinking and calculation with present-mindedness: practice being present-minded when with women, and then afterward, concentrate on how you behaved and how you should have behaved. Visualize how your ideal interaction would have went, but save this sort of analytical thinking for after your interaction. Finally, repeat. Only by experiencing a large number of social interactions do we become more socially proficient. Let go of the seductive desire for perfection; this will only get in your way of your short existence on earth. Excellence is the best you can ask of yourself, and it starts with incremental improvement.
Your Career, Lifestyle, and Practicing Living in the Moment
These days, our jobs require us to be analytical. We spend a large amount of time calculating the payoff of possible actions; we make use of our brain’s frontal lobe to see into the future, branching off into multiple choices and their potential outcomes. In doing so, we develop non-spontaneous, calculated behavior patterns; we act more like machines, and find it increasingly difficult to attract women. Ideally, through your work you also have the opportunity to practice present-mindedness and leadership. Unfortunately, your career choice might not allow for this – especially if you’re in a profession like engineering. How do we reconcile the disconnect between the need to practice spontaneity and present-mindedness with the burden of our analytical work?
You can work on building a lifestyle that develops those qualities in yourself that will not only better you, but also attract women. This means cutting back on the activities that don’t fit with your goal to attract women while replacing them with better ones. You might need to cut back on certain video games, TV or hobbies and replace that time with activities that let you practice present-mindedness around people. Outside of your main employment, you might even choose to start up a business on the side that allows for a new lifestyle in the future.
Now take a step back and picture the rewards of the future: you have developed your character and lifestyle over time, and acting the part of yourself, you naturally speak and interact with women in a way that makes them find you fun, playful, sexy and attractive. Without having to put forth so much effort in analyzing your behavior while you’re with a lady, your mind is free to have enjoyable interactions with them, and you are naturally attractive to women.
Best of luck to you on your journey toward naturally attracting women.